Love

For the past year or two, I've been on this romance kick. I've read almost all of Nora Roberts' books (which are alot), and I've gotten addicted to Japanese anime, because there's always this hint of romance in there along with the good guy conquers theme. I used to think this perhaps was becoming a problem, but I started examining how it's affected my life.

I, like many teenage girls, suffered from self esteem issues (still do sometimes). I mostly had problems with boys. I didn't have my first date, boyfriend, or kiss until I was 17 (poor guy must not have known...otherwise I'm sure he would have gone running asking "what's wrong with her?). I was that girl who has lots of guy friends. My crushes always would talk to me about their girl problems (I can't tell you how many times I helped patch up their relationships when really I wanted to say "forget her, I'm way better for you!"). I did not have those guts though.

I never thought of myself as a jealous person until I later found myself doubting the steady relationship I was in. I would get anxious when he would go out without me, because there might be other girls there who would hit on him. I never distrusted him...I distrusted those unscrupulous hussies out there who wouldn't think twice about stealing my man against his wishes. I distrusted that he really loved me, even when his words and actions said he did. I think it stemmed from worrying why it took 17 years before my path brought me anyone.

What I've recently discovered though is that my delve into romance has helped me heal this piece of me that thought I was unworthy of romance myself. I think I like reading about loving relationships because I can relive those exciting early moments that I won't have anymore and didn't realize I went through...the search, the chase, the realization, the decision. I'm a little sad that I can't try these again now that I'm older and wiser, but I'm okay with that. I found an awesome guy who cracks me up, makes me smile and feel good about myself, and is excited to spend time with me. What more would I want to look for?

I found some of my old boyfriends on Facebook. I thought it might creep them out for me to add them as friends, but I honestly wanted to see how they were after so many years. I found that I can savor the fun parts of dating those guys and forget the pain of breakups and whatnot. We all were different people back then and now, and I wouldn't have this husband and daughter if I had chosen a different path. What I take from those relationships is the fact that I liked (and even sometimes loved) those guys and that they returned those feelings to me of their own volition. I even found one who wanted to keep loving me, and I'm very thankful for that and that I want to keep loving him back. If you think about how complex human emotions are, it's amazing we can find anyone who's compatible enough to tolerate us for more than an hour.

So realizing today that I've had more than one guy in my life who chose to give me his love at some point has made me feel pretty damn good about myself. Since life is complex, I'm going to take whatever satisfaction I can get and be happy with this. Thanks all you old boyfriends! You are my drug of choice for today.